“Everyone has talent at twenty-five. The difficulty is to have it at fifty.“ -Edgar Degas

“Creativity takes courage.” -Henri Matisse

So here’s that painting I was talking about. The one where I went above and beyond the call of duty. You can see a larger version of it here. I’ve been painting Ella for a while now. About 5 years. It had been a bit of time since I last saw her; the last painting I made of here before this one was 2007.  Since then I hadn’t really seen her. She’s off to uni soon, moving away. So I asked her to come in so we could collaborate on something before she left. I don’t know why I make such amazing work of Ella and her sister Bridie, but I just do. I decided to stop questioning it, and just accept it. The thing I noticed after not seeing her for that span of time was how beautiful she was. I’d watched her go from being a little kid to becoming a real and true young woman about to embark on a journey with her entire life ahead of her. I thought that was amazing and I was hoping for it to be reflected in the work. Still, as beautiful as she is I don’t think she really understands what it is to be painted by me. What it is worth. I think she will when she’s older and looks back, but at the present she still takes it for granted; indicative of her age, I suppose.

Last year was a real up and down year painting-wise. I’m not sure most people would be able to tell from looking at the work made. But I knew. That’s not to say that any of the work was terrible, but they were real hit-or-miss. Some things were exceptional, and some were middle of the road, at best. Indicative of my state of mind during that year I suppose; a real fucking roller-coaster.

I put up that bit about the painting being amazing because it is amazing, and I am okay with stating that aloud. The reproduction online doesn’t do it any real justice at all. You really have to see it to see how good it is, for a few reasons. First: The size because it’s a large painting  for a watercolor. You can’t get that from looking at it on a screen. But the dimensions are roughly- 22″ x 30,” so it’s big. And to keep a painting of that size that pristine while using a medium like watercolor took some doing. Second: The vibrancy of the color, and third: the detail, man. That hair was every bit as difficult as it looks. So much effort.

No errors. No mistakes.

A friend asked me why I thought so much and so highly about this painting. What really set it apart in my mind? I decided to sit down and really think that one over because I thought it was a good, thorough question. This painting made me understand something about myself and what I thought I knew about painting. That the percentage of what I really thought I knew about it or my potential within it was extremely small. Dry cognition, surface level understanding of the life of the thing itself. And this painting dug, digs, deeper in all aspects: size, use of color, composition, drawing ability, attention to detail, patience. Sense of purpose.

In Judo they often say that reaching Shodan (Black Belt) merely marks the beginning of ones journey within the discipline. I never used to understand that point. I always figured after you sweat and bleed and get broken so much to attain something, how can what you achieve just be the beginning of the journey? But this painting made me understand that point with real clarity. It made me feel like I’ve been painting for 17+ years just to make this work. Just to start making work of this caliber and level. If Judo has done it’s part to help me to overcome large aspects of my own ego, this painting has done the same for my sense of competition. This painting is the bridge between a younger man constantly trying to prove himself, and an older man secure enough in himself mentally and physically to know that he no longer needs to do so. He can choose to if he wants, but he doesn’t need to.

And I’ve been needing to for so long. I’ve filled my life up trying to prove myself to myself and to others. Sometimes with things that are very arduous.  Training training training. Flogging myself and pushing myself without rest. But I don’t have to prove anything. I’ve said this before, by at the end of the day I know that I am one of the best people out there doing what I do; in the top percentile. You can go anywhere and stack my figurative work up against any figurative artist anywhere, from any era. That has taken so long to settle and sink in, that realization. And once you know inside that you are that good at one singular thing, what do you have to prove? Zero.

This painting has made me want to slow down to honor that. To not degrade the talent or myself or the gift by making anything less.

Image: Keinyo White Ltd. ©®