” A man doesn’t have to have all the answers; children will teach him how to parent them, and in the process will teach him everything he needs to know about life.” – Frank Pittman

” But, in fact, there is nothing that can bring you closer to fearlessness about everything else in the world than being a parent. Because everyday fears -like not being approved of – pale by comparison to the fears you have about your children.” - Arianna Huffington

Christmas time rankles me. Mostly because the nature of the beast has changed so much since I was a kid. It just had a different feel. Today  the marketing blitz for material consumption is just obscene. The weight it puts on parents -especially in this time of recession-is ridiculous. On top of that, I find the underlying message running beneath the surface sinister and offensive. Parents do a great deal just holding it all together, people are losing their jobs and homes left, right, and center. Is that even taken into account? No.  In fact, it’s just the opposite: You can be the greatest mother in the world, but if somehow your kid doesn’t find a pony waiting under the tree come payday, you might as well be Mommy Dearest (Christina, no more wire hangers!). Those ponies, they don’t come cheap. So that bugs me. I guess that’s why I dig Thanksgiving so much while I loathe Christmas.  Thanksgiving embodies everything Christmas should be, but isn’t:  Just get the family together, make and have a nice meal, and watch the Detroit Lions lose. No materialistic pressure, no presents, no shopping stress, no wondering where the extra scratch is going to come from in an economy like this one.  No mediocre Pop Stars cranking out shitty covers of Christmas songs.

It’s tough being a parent. They should really dump the scientists and artists and start handing out Nobel’s to all of our parents because they deserve it just for riding out the storm. And I’m really sick of society telling us that we have to do this or do that, or that such-and-such is expected of us. It aggravates me because as parents we do a lot, and half the stuff that’s coming at us doesn’t really have our best interests at heart. You’ll never walk into a bookstore and see a book that says “RELAX, chances are you’re doing better than you think.” Nearly everything has a slant on what you’re doing wrong. So here you are, you’re parenting, and it’s pure shock and awe: If you’ve got only one kid you’re in shock, and if you’ve got more than one you’re in awe. You’re tired, ragged, frazzled. You’re dealing with your job, your spouse. You’re handling homework, bedtime, bath-time, little people literally standing over you at 4 a.m. scaring the crap out of you like some sort of miniature rouge ninja because they’re scared of earthquakes or volcanoes, so you don’t sleep. There’s scrapping, endless school runs, relentless questions, constant pick-ups and cleaning. You’re making meals 24-7 literally years on end. Answering a lot of tough tough questions (“What is death? Where do we go when we die? Why is ‘insert-name-here’ mean to me at school? Why are people mean to animals? Why do people kill? What are special hugs?”) We do all of that mostly without complaint and it’s really vexing to see the tripe distributed by the media that we’re somehow not doing enough, or we’re doing it terribly, or should be doing more, or doing it better better better. Because it comes to you at all angles: from the media outlets to the person giving you scorn because your kid might be playing up in a public place.

By the way, here’s an aside to those people: It’s highly likely that you too were  falling over in the grocery aisle having a tantrum when you were young. Your parents probably had to put up with the same type of garbage that you’re eyeballing out now. So take that under consideration next time you think you own a public area and show a little more compassion and empathy, instead of being such a deprecating bozo.

I put that post up before about being a man and how difficult society finds it to accept the notion of men having emotional needs. But then my wife and  good friends put me onto another truth, namely that it’s even worse when you voice displeasure or uncertainty over having to parent or having chosen to become one. You put that out there and chances are you’ll get portrayed as the most selfish and uncaring human who ever lived. Like you’re Pol Pot at the PTA. The truth is a lot of days it can be just a difficult, mind-numbing, mundane, and trying job. It’s  24 hours with no sick leave, little vacation time, and no monetary pay. A lot of days it’s the greatest job on the planet, but those are the only days anyone ever really wants you to acknowledge and that’s unhealthy, unrealistic, and unfair.  I was remarking to a friend the other day that my oldest will be 10 next year. That means we will have lived through 10 years of young children. TEN YEARS. I don’t know how we did it; there are people who commit felonies who don’t pull that amount of time. Sometimes the days are bad or hard in the obvious ways: like when  children are sick. There are ways also where it is bad in ways that aren’t obvious, like a mist creeping into your day to day existence. Those are the moments where you feel like you’re putting out 100% effort into being the best parent you possibly can and all you’re getting is non-stop bickering, or sulking, or whining, or non co-operation in return. Take my kids for example: right now they’re on some sisterly, young-kid-bitch vibe that’s burning down my wick something fierce. Bitchapalooza. The mental toll of that sometimes outweighs something tangible like having to deal with a child who has the flu. Sometimes you don’t know what it was all for, and you can’t possibly see how it was worth it, and you do want to put it all down and walk away. Not permanently but just for a little while.  Say, a week while you go straight bananas in Vegas engaging in minor illegal activities.

My kids are hands down the best thing that has happened to me in this lifetime.  Nothing I ever ever make will equal that creation. By artistic terms, I could really just pack it in now because I’m not going to come anywhere remotely close to producing something as fine or beautiful as my daughters. They have made me the person that I am: loving, compassionate, patient. Having daughters has really explained to me all facets of what it is to be a man, because I understand now that everything they will come to expect from and of  future men will be dictated by my present actions. If I am aloof, or distant or lacking in affection that will color their perspective of all men, and lead them to believe it’s the norm. So I have to be the very best that I can be towards them in all ways and at all times.

That is a really, really profound realization.

I’m certainly not saying I’m always successful because obviously there are days I’m not.  Some days I just go apeshit. Still, I would not do it over. But I am also brave enough to say that there have been moments where I wonder why I did it at all.

Maybe you’re a parent like me: Just out there doing the best you can, and your kids are happy and healthy and have friends. They have moments, but they’re well rounded, well adjusted. If that’s the case then I think you’re doing a fantastic job for what it’s worth. Just stay your course and have faith and belief in yourself. Ignore the media and what it’s presenting you with; their primary motivation is to move product and generate dollars. If it’s warranted, ignore your folks because while they have the best interests of you and their grandchildren at heart, sometimes their advice is skewed and based on methods from 30+ years ago. You know what I’m saying? Grandparents are like NFL/Rugby Hall of Famers: Sure they were legendary in their time, but they’ve been out of the game for a while now and its changed radically since they last took the field.  Ignore the people who don’t have kids who think they’re qualified to judge your parental successes and failures. Because, really, what do they know? If they don’t have kids then they know nothing of the sacrifice involved in raising one, what you have to dig deep within yourself to find. They don’t know the weight of being literally responsible for the life of a young human being. Sure they might remember what their parents did or remember being a kid, but being a kid and raising one are planets apart. Light years. And even if they did, they still haven’t walked a mile in your shoes.  So, fuck it. Chances are your kids adore you and are on their way towards becoming fine people. You don’t need to be Sesame Street material because just achieving that alone is massive.

If you’re a young person who’s a bit older reading this, consider taking a moment to thank your parents for what they do/did for you, because trust me when I say it is/was HUGE.  Planetary in scope and scale. They might have done things wrong, or maybe done them better. They might have stumbled or let you down. But if you’re in the real world functioning, chances are one or both of them had a large part in that and you should really be very grateful. In retrospect I know I am. Because they didn’t have to do anything. They could have left you out in the cold with the wolves and vultures. Or been either themselves. I read today about a father in the U.S. who shot his 15yr. old son as he begged for his life in his own backyard. You don’t have to die to find hell, it’s here right on earth and that’s real.

Image: Keinyo White Ltd. ©®